Healthy Communication For Long Term Relationships.
By Elizabeth Kilgore Dec. 16. 2014
Communication is the key to a happy and long-lasting relationship, but it isn’t always an easy thing to maintain. There comes a time in every long term relationship where people get so comfortable that they will just sit in a room together and not speak. We all want to get to that point in a relationship because that means we are comfortable with each other, you can’t get any more comfortable with someone than sitting in a quiet room with them in silences. This may be nice but it can also cause problems when you become this close you start to make assuming about what the other person says, or what they want.
You stop paying attention to what they are really saying or mean and start to think that you already know because you think you know them so well. You may find that after you have explained something the other person does the opposite of what you wanted, or thought something completely different then what you meant this could even lead to fighting. “You assume they understand, and they think they’ve got it correct and you all go on your way with totally different interpretations of what just took place. Later you find out you were miles apart.” Steve Adubato. Going forward it is important to remember that both of you will go through many changes together, and you can never be 100% sure about what the another person is thinking. It is always important to pay attention to what the another person is saying even if you think you know what they are going to say next. After you listen make sure to go over what the other person just said to make sure you understand what they meant. Have an actual conversation about the topic you are discussing don’t just assume and move on to quickly. Take your time, really listen and you might discover something new about each other.
It’s important to remember that although you have been in a relationship for a long time that your partner has a life outside of you. This life can find new forms of jargon and discover different cultures which can lead to new and ambiguous language that your partner might not understand without an example or a reference. With new discoveries comes a new way of thinking and both of you will continue to grow, learn, and change in many ways. Something that you have been using for years can suddenly become taboo to your partner which will lead to comprises and changes not only in your relationship but also within yourself.
Please don’t ignore these changes in hopes that they will disappear, change can be scary sometimes, but change can also be good. You might find that this new change can make life better for you and your partner in the long run. It may be that one of these changes could be self-concept or even your concept of your partner might change. We all have an idea of who we are and what we think a marriage is supposed to be like. Once you are married you will find these concepts coming to light whether you realize it or not. You may start thinking or acting like well this is my husband/wife now he/she should act this way and I should act this way. Over time this might work out, but more often than not people find that their partner has a different idea when it comes to themselves, their partner, and marriage. “The self-concept is a set of beliefs and images we all have and hold to be true of ourselves.” Claire Rabin. This self-concept can also cause problems in a relationship when a couple isn’t communicating properly. Let’s say you’re opinion of what you should do in a relationship is cook and that you think because you cooked your partner should do the dishes. Maybe that’s what your parents did so it has to be right, right? Then you partner’s self-concept is that they shouldn’t cook or do the dishes that the person who cooks should cook and do the dishes. That’s what their parents did so it has to be right, right?
So this is what both of you set out to accomplish every time a meal is made. Let’s say Eric is the one that cooks and every day Eric thinks Eric shouldn’t wash the dishes, but every day he ends up washing the dishes. Every day Eric gets angrier and angrier because he thinks Lisa is mistreating him, but he doesn’t say anything. Now Lisa thinks everything is going perfectly because Eric is living out her concept of a perfect marriage. This can lead to problems if the issue is not addressed and it could even lead to fights, and you may look to your friends for advice. It is important to remember that your self-concept should be formed by yourself, please do not try to become someone you are not.
If you think that changing your point of view to suit your relationship is best then do so, and if you think your point of view is only something you think because the people around you say you should think that way then you should change it. You don’t want to let anyone tell you how to handle your relationship because the only people who can tell you how you feel is you. You and your partner will go through a lot together, there will be good times, bad times, and horrible times. Friends will come and friends will go, but the one thing that will stay the same is you two will be together. In order to make those times easier start a rule of taking 10 minutes out of every day to talk, email, text, or even Skyping might make this easier. If you get into a routine of talking very day you may find it easier to talk to one another during those really hard times.
Try not to talk about little things like did you leave the lights on in the bathroom, but try to have a real conversation. Here are some suggesting from “What's your favorite movie? Why? Are you closer to your mom or dad? Why? What is the one thing you really want to accomplish in the next two years? What are you most afraid of? What age do you feel like inside? Why? What was the one thing you hated most as a kid? What are the top three worst songs of all time?” Nara Schoenberg. Doing this will make you feel more valued by you partner and feel that you have something to look forward to every day. You will know that you have someone who really cares about who you are, how you feel, and what is going on in your life. Saying something as simple as saying how are you can make a world of difference to the person that loves you. There are times when people get so comfortable that they forget how valuable even the simplest form of communication can be. I remember talking to a couple who were to together well past their golden anniversary and I asked them how they did it. They said they never got too comfortable with each other. They said that they would notice people who were married a long time would forget their manors with each other, please, thank you, do you mind became something they never said.
Sure it seems nice at first thinking of being comfortable in that sense, but what if you don’t even bother to ask if your wife wanted to the piece of cake she left in the refrigerator. What if you didn’t ask every week for 30 years? I’m sure way before you got to 30 years it would start some fights, which would lead to other fights, which of course would lead to more fights. Before you know it you're divorced and you don’t even remember what started it, and you would have been divorce over a little piece of cake. This is why communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. You have to practice good communication skills because if you don’t you will forget how to communicate altogether and getting back on that bike is not as easy as it sounds.
Did you know that “Spouses communicate with each other no better than strangers do” U.S News and World Report? There is such a thing as getting too comfortable, to close, and while it seems like that is what we are all looking for it isn’t as ideal as we think it is. When you start to assume that you know what your partner is thinking when you stop listening to them, and you might miss out on what they meant altogether. This is why it’s important to maintain the communication in your relationship, which makes relationship management really important. Learning to maintain a healthy relationship in both positive times and negative times can also be key to a happy and long relationship.
I remember a term that I think most people should always have in the back of their minds when it comes to marriage that saying is fight fair. Fighting fair mean you have to remember that you are fighting with your partner, and not some stranger on the street. You have to maintain a certain level of respect no matter how mad you get. Keeping a certain level of positivity even during an argument is very important. There are some behaviors to remember when practicing positive relationship maintenance they are positivity, openness, assurance, social network, sharing the task, advice, and conflict management. You want to remember to always stay positive staying negative never helped anyone. After an argument, if you are still angry to be open about it take some time to cool off, and then talk about your feelings and what’s on your mind. Make sure you keep assuring your partner how you feel about them, you might assume after years that they know this already but sometimes they will need a reminder. I remember a woman who kept trying to make her husband jealous because she wanted to know he still cared. Social networking as I wrote about early is important. While it is important to have this support from your family and friends don’t forget who you are and that you and your partner’s thoughts and feelings about each other come first.
Sharing task is something that has to be done you can’t put the weight of the world on each other’s shoulders, even Superman has a limit to what he can take. You are not each other’s slaves, nanny, chauffeur, personal assistant, mother, or father you are partners and are in this together. Before you do all that social networking and going to your friends and family for the advice you should try going to your partner first. Asking your partner for advice will help to maintain the feeling of closeness in your relationship and make them feel like you still need them. No one wants to think that their partner doesn’t trust their judgment or think that they can’t make good decisions. Conflict management can be shown by listening to your partner when it is their turn to talk while arguing or when you’re just talking, stay positive, and apologize when you’re wrong. Apologizing can sometimes be hard to do but it needs to be done in order to maintain a healthy relationship. These rules can be applied when a conflict with your partner arises. It is important to know the signs of relationship conflict and how to handle conflict when it arises. A small list of negative relationship maintenance behaviors is jealousy, avoidance, spying, infidelity, destructive conflict, and allowing control.
Jealousy is something we all hope to avoid, which is why I put these two together. Avoiding a problem never makes it better, in fact, it makes it worst, staying open and talking about problems can help keep away jealousy. If you feel jealous talk to your partner about it let them know how you feel, and try to come to a compromise and understand what is really going on. Studies have shown that the average person cheats because they want to feel close to someone. Infidelity is a sign that your emotional needs aren’t being meet, you might need someone to talk to, or you might be having trouble telling your partner how you feel about something. This can be avoided by effectively communicating with your partner, once again the 10 minutes a day you spend talking can help. In those 10 minutes, you will learn a lot about your partner which will help you learn how to talk to them even when you feel apprehensive.
You want to make sure that you don’t start spying on each other it isn’t healthy, and if you keep the lines of communication open hopefully it won’t come to that. If it does come to that take the time to think about why you are spying or why your partner is spying. Try to understand what is causing the problem before you get angry, sometimes when people get angry they forget to listen, and understand. They start to think more about winning the argument than understanding why they are having it in the first place. Instead of allowing destructive conflict to take over try to practice allowing your partner to have some control, equal control between the two of you if that is what you feel works best for your relationship. Destructive conflict is when you start to boss you, partner, around and try to control them. No one likes for someone to start acting like their parent and treating them like a child, a prisoner, or a maid.
If there is something you think you should have control over talk to your partner about it, things just might work out in your favor. For example, let’s say Lisa like to work in the garage and asked Eric if he doesn’t mind if she turns the garage into her own workspace. Maybe Eric thinks this would be a great idea everyone needs a hobby right, and his hobby is cooking. The compromise would then be that Eric gets the kitchen and Lisa gets the garage, this way everyone has space all their own and everyone is happy. The thing you should not do is set up shop in a space in the house, and tell everyone they are not allowed to go there or touch anything in that room. Even if they wouldn’t have minded letting you take over that space they most likely will still have a problem with the way you communicated your needs to them. Whenever you have a conflict in your relationship try to remember to fight fair. Use the steps for positive relationship maintenance whenever you talk to one another, whether you’re happy, sad, or angry. It maybe is hard at first, but if you continue to practice good communication skills by talking with each other every day for at least 10 minutes you will find that it becomes easier and easier to talk to each other. This will not only keep your relationship happy and healthy but it will also make the bond you have even stronger than you knew it could possibly be. Remember to be yourself, stay positive, and find what works for you, being equal is different in every relationship, but being fair is always the same. Respect, honor, trust, and good communication are the real keys to the heart and these steps are just helpful reminds of how to maintain that same love and friendship that brought you two to where you are today.
Please remember that love is like a rose bush it needs to be pruned, else it will wither. Love your rose’s thorns and all, let them grow for the world to see and maybe even admire for generations to come. So I leave you with these kind words in hopes that your relationship will grow into a lovely rose bush, and that one day everyone will get to say happy golden anniversary.
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